Explode
by arilovexo
Summary: I'm messed up. I tried hard not to be for as long as I could, but eventually everything exploded.


**I would just like to say, bravo to Olivia Scriven and Chloe Rose. Their acting in last night's episode was AMAZING AND PHENOMENAL. Maya's breakdown felt too, _too _real. **

**They, along with Dylan Everett and everyone else in that damn amazing cast, deserve an award. **

**Enjoy this. It's kinda based on last night's episode and recent events, but also a bit AU. You'll see why. **

**Note: Italics are flashbacks and regular is present day. Enjoy and review! Tell me whatcha think! **

* * *

_Maya looked up at the cloudless sky. Her boyfriend, Cam, lay right next to her. She soon felt his hand reach over and take hers in his, intertwining their fingers. She looked at him, and then looked away again, a smile on her face. _

"_What do you think is up there?" Cam asked, and she shrugged. _

"_My sister tells me all of our ancestors and dead relatives are up there." She looked up at the blue sky. "Maybe even my mother and father are there too." She whispered and he looked at her. She looked back at him. "I'm adopted." _

_He never knew that. Therefore, he didn't even know what to say. _

"_I don't know who my biological family is." She said as a way of explanation, looking up at the sky again. "I just know I don't belong in the family I have now." _

_He could understand that very well. "Yeah," He whispered back, turning his head so that his vision was blurred with blue. "I feel that way too." _

* * *

_Maya closed her eyes, her hands on the keys, she started to tap it with one finger, and then soon she developed a nice melody and kept at it, until she opened her eyes a few minutes later and stopped, seeing a familiar boy leaning against the doorway. He smiled at her and she smiled back, looking down._

"_You heard that?" _

_He nodded, walking into the room, he sat down beside her, his back facing the piano. "How could I not? It was beautiful." _

_Maya bit her lip, then leaned in and gave him a soft kiss. She broke it and looked at him. "Want to hear another song?" _

"_I would love to actually, yeah." _

_She started to play again, this time tapping the keys one by one, and then going for it with all she had. After a few minutes, she closed her eyes again, and then started to sing. _

"_Up up in our cloud and we're never gonna come down…" She finished and opened her eyes only to see Cam had a smile on his face. He leaned in and kissed her and she kissed him back, before he broke it and put his hand on her cheek, gently rubbing it with his thumb. _

"_That was beautiful." _

_She leaned her forehead against his and then playfully poked him. "Now you have to learn." She laughed when his eyes opened wide. _

"_I have to what?" _

_She smirked and pulled away, positioning her fingers on the correct keys, she turned to him. "You're gonna learn." She repeated. "And I promise, you'll love it." _

_He really hated when she was right. _

* * *

"_This might seem like such a strange question…" Maya began, resting her chin on Cam's chest. "But what do you think about life?"_

_He didn't really know how to answer that, or where it had come from. "Why do you ask?" _

_She shrugged, looking down. "I don't know." She admitted, "I guess I just always wondered what you thought about it." _

_He thought over his answer carefully. "It definitely hard, no matter what age you are. I mean it doesn't matter if you're a child, a teenager, an adult, there will always be something standing in your way, and you always have to fight against it to get where you want to go, you know? It's not easy." _

_She sighed, and lay her head on his chest, his arm going around her, he held her against him. "You're right. It definitely isn't." His hand soon found hers, and he held it tight. She smiled softly and looked at him. "But I guess if we have each other, all those struggles don't seem like anything, it makes life all worth it." _

_He stared up at the white ceiling, nodding his head in agreement. "Yeah… I guess you're definitely right about that." _

_She lifted her head and looked at him. She playfully rolled her eyes, "Duh, Cam. I'm always right." _

_He laughed and lifted his head up to kiss her. "If you say so." _

"_No. I know so." _

* * *

She sat alone in her room, against the wall, in the corner. She held a squirt gun in her hand that was her nephew's, and played with it. She looked at the brown liquid inside of it, and then held the gun to her mouth.

"Down…" She whispered to herself. "Down, motherfucker, down." And then she pressed the trigger button, which caused the liquid to squirt out of it and into her mouth, landing on her tongue. The sour and strong taste made her want to puke, but she didn't.

She couldn't feel anything anymore. It was like she'd turned into a numb, emotionless robot. And though she was still in denial, and her family was starting to get worried about her, she didn't care.

In fact, she just wished she took the easy way out. Then maybe she wouldn't be living in such a fucked up world anymore.

But for now, she realized, holding the squirt gun in front of her, this would have to do.

* * *

"_Are you ever going to return my calls? Or is that it? Are we just gonna act like we never cared about each other?" Maya walked right up to Cam, who had his locker opened, just as she walked up to him. "I didn't do anything! Okay? It was a mistake, a kiss when we were broken up."_

_Cam angrily slammed his locker shut. "Yeah, did you forget that you were the one to break up with me?" _

"_No I remembered that." Maya snapped. "I broke up with you for a reason." _

"_So you could go dress all nice, be a prissy bitch and then try and steal your best friend's boyfriend behind her back. Makes a lot of fucking sense, Maya." He started to walk away, but she put her fingers in her hair and let out an exasperated noise. _

"_No! Did you forget why we broke up? You wouldn't tell me those three fucking words. Come on, Cam!" She knew they were drawing a crowd at that point but didn't care. "It's eight letters, you know you can say it to me." He stopped then and she walked up to him again. He slowly turned around to face her, she looked up at him and noticed both their chests were slowly moving up and down. "Say it, and I'm yours." _

_He stared into her eyes and she stared right back into his. He looked down for a moment and she just followed his movements, both confused and curious as to what he was going to do or say. _

_Then to her surprise, he put his hands on her waist and pulled her closer to him, resting his forehead against hers. _

"_I fucking love you, Maya Matlin." She looked at him and he looked back at her. "There, I said it, six words, twenty seven letters." _

_Maya rolled her eyes, but wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him closer. She leaned in and kissed him, gently, deeply, and hard. Then she broke it and looked into his eyes so he'd know she wasn't bluffing. "I love you too, Campbell fucking pain in the ass Saunders." _

_He laughed, and she kissed him again, the crowd around them started to cheer and they broke apart, Maya's head turning to them. _

"_See?" He tilted his head in their direction and she looked back at him. "You got what you wanted, an audience to cheer for you." _

_She rolled her eyes again (realizing she'd been doing that a lot lately) and bit her lip. "That's not what I meant, Dummy. But it's close enough, so it'll do. I love you." She whispered and he leaned his forehead against hers again. _

"_I love you too." And with that, he pulled away and took her hand in his, walking her to class, he realized he couldn't have felt happier than he was at that very moment. _

* * *

She could tell Katie was trying to break her down. Get her to that point of no return. Get her to admit the truth, get her to say what's been on her and everyone else's mind for weeks since _it _happened.

But she wasn't going to. She meant what she said before, _she wouldn't cry. She just wouldn't. _

Her mother (should she really even call her that?) was now yelling at her and telling her off. If only she knew what she had been up to the week she was out of town with her husband.

"You are hooking up with some guy you barely know." Her mother yelled at her. "What were you thinking?"

"Yeah. Maya are you sore?" Katie demanded, and Maya looked at her.

"No." She said, her arms crossing over her chest. She smirked at Katie's reaction to what she'd said. "I'm not at all."

"Excuse me?" Her mother demanded and Maya's smile grew (if that was possible).

"I'm not sore. And you want to know why? Because I'm not a virgin. Haven't been one for weeks now." Katie's hands went to her hair, and Maya focused on her. "Kinda like Katie hasn't been on either." She watched as her sister's head snapped towards her. "What? As long as we're being fucking honest here, I think she should know the truth about that as well."

"You're a bitch, Maya." Katie snapped at her.

"And you're only a fourteen year old! What has gotten into you?" _Katie's _(after all, she wasn't even _hers_)mother interjected.

"_Brand new information_." Maya snapped back, sarcastically. "Can I go now? I really don't want to talk to either one of you."

"Okay, aside from both of your indiscretions that we _will _be talking about later," _Katie's _mother began, "I want you, Maya to watch your tone and understand how worried we are."

Maya rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I have to go." She started to pick up her things and leave, when Katie stopped her.

"Stay."

"I'm not a fucking dog, Katie."

Katie looked at her like she wasn't fucking around with her. "Stay." She repeated and Maya rolled her eyes. "Shut up!"

"I didn't anything!"

"Just shut up!" Katie yelled at her.

"Make me!" Maya yelled back.

"Girls!" _Katie's _mother yelled at her.

"Stop telling me what to do!" Maya yelled at them, "You're not even my _real _family!"

That got them and got them _hard. _Maya stared at them as they just looked away, clearly hurt.

She then said nothing more, and taking her bags, angrily left the living room, the front door slamming hard behind her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with her anymore."

Katie looked at her mother, and nodded. "Me either."

* * *

"_Show me your tongue,_ bitch."

Maya looked at Talia who was holding a small circular pill in her hand. She moved it around so that Maya got a good look at it, her blue eyes following wherever it went. Talia then flopped her body on top of Maya's that was lying on the bed. She smiled sweetly at her.

She remembered Eli telling her something about Talia and the drugs, but she'd ignored him. Well, look where that had gotten her.

"Come on, you can do it."

Talia had a point. How much longer could she go putting up this façade before it got old and exhausting?

"I don't think I can." Maya's voice was raspy. "I can't fucking do drugs, Talia."

Talia's hand trailed over Maya's thigh and up to her chest, making Maya briefly wonder if Talia was bisexual or just liked to mess with other girl's bodies.

"What's stopping you?" Talia finally whispered and Maya realized there was absolutely nothing standing in her way.

"Give it to me."

Talia laughed and Maya stuck her tongue out. She soon felt the pill on her tongue and then swallowed it, making a face, she looked at the older girl on top of her.

"Good little bitch." Then without another word, Talia's lips were on hers, and Maya couldn't help but kiss her back.

* * *

"_I could've helped him, but he didnt give me the chance." _Maya said, and Talia nodded. "_Everyone thinks I'm messed up, but I'm not._" She then realized something. "How did you and Harry not know about me? Weren't you at the vigil?"

"We skipped it." Talia shrugged and Maya understood, laying back down beside her. She really should've known that.

* * *

How really fucked up had she become? Who was this person in the mirror staring back at her? Definitely not her, she realized. It was definitely not the girl Cam had fallen for, but what did he care? He wasn't around to tell her off and tell her what was wrong or right anymore.

She had to figure all of that out on her own.

After about three days of not going home and avoiding Katie at school, she realized she really did miss her bed. So she'd gone home, and after finding that no one was there to bother her, she went up the stairs, and fell face down on her bed.

Then she got up to shower and take a really good look at herself, before she realized she really didn't care anymore.

She took the squirt gun from her bag on the floor, something falling out of it a moment later. She lifted the baggy of pills up and smirked. She put it back inside her bag, and then brought the squirt gun up above her, laying her head on the bed, her hair spread behind her, she just stared up at the ceiling, and pretended she was going to shoot something.

The door opened then and she put the squirt gun down quickly, hiding it behind her pillows.

"Maya, so glad to see you're home."

Maya rolled her eyes at _Katie's _stepfather attempting to make conversation with her. He never really cared about her to begin with; always so rude towards her and always trying to find any reason he could not to speak with her.

"Want to tell me what happened between you, your sister and your mother the other day?"

"What sister and mother?" Maya demanded, "You even act like it yourself. We're not a family. We never _were_." She stared hard at him. "I meant every damn word I said."

"I understand that you're hurting a lot right now, but you are in fact apart of this family."

"Right on. Now leave."

"What has gotten into you?" He walked in closer. "You've turned into someone I hardly recognize."

"Could you be anymore annoying?" Maya snapped back. "Look, I just don't feel like I fit in here, okay? Never have, never will."

"And your boyfriend, he helped you with all of that?"

"He at least _understood_!" Maya yelled at him. "But what does it matter now? He's gone, he wont be coming back. Much like I won't if you guys keep trying to talk me down. Goodbye." And with that, she grabbed the squirt gun and her bag and started to leave, when he stopped her.

"What are you trying to prove by doing this?"

She slowly turned around. "That I don't need anyone to make me happy. I never did, and I really doubt I'm ever going to."

And with that, she left the house again. And didn't come back until it was a whole week later.

* * *

"_Cam…" Maya whispered. "I think I'm ready."_

"_Ready?" She nodded and he looked at her confused. "Ready for what?" _

"_To adopt a puppy, what do you think I'm ready for?" _

"_A second chance to be anything you can be." He answered and now it was her turn to be confused. _

"_What are you talking about?" _

_He was silent for a moment before he shook his head and smiled at her. "Nothing, nevermind." He then kissed her, his hands going to her waist, he pulled her against him. She murmured something against his mouth, but didn't let her fully say it. Her mouth was currently being used for something else anyway. He broke it a moment later, "By the way, I knew what you meant. I was just fucking with you." _

_She realized he'd been doing that a lot lately. "Well, stop fucking with me and actually fuck me." _

"_Wow, Matlin. Didn't think you'd ever say those words." He teased and she rolled her eyes. _

"_Shut up." And with that, she leaned in and kissed him, grinding the lower part of her body against his. "I love you." She murmured. _

"_I love you." He whispered back, and then before they both knew it, her shirt was off and so was his. _

_There was no turning back now. _

* * *

"I just want to scream." Maya whispered. She closed her eyes, and Talia nodded.

"So fucking _scream_."

* * *

"_You can't let people tell you how to feel, ja feel_?" Maya started giggling as she watched that video, giggling so much she almost fell out of her chair.

"What are you watching?"

She looked up to see Tori was standing above her.

"Nothing." She said, and put it away. She looked at her, "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see if you're okay." Tori sat down in the seat beside her. "So.. are you?"

"I got in a fight with Zig the other day…" She said, "It was pretty bad."

"Yeah, I heard about it from Tristan."

"I'm just so sick of people being so concerned about me and looking at me all the time all worried and shit."

Tori shrugged, "Why do you let it get to you?"

"Wouldn't you?" Maya shot back and Tori shut up, realizing she had a point. Maya scoffed and shook her head, turning to look out the window at the pouring rain.

"But everyone else has a point too, including Zig. This isn't you, Maya."

And then Maya's anger started to bubble up; she stood up, remembering how she'd told Talia and Harry that she just wanted to scream. Well, maybe this was her moment. "_I am so sick of people telling me who I'm supposed to be!" _

"They're not wrong, Maya!" Tori yelled at her.

"You know what?" Maya snapped, getting her things together, she put them all inside her bag. "I'm fucking _done_." And with that, she left behind a very distraught and worried Tori behind her.

* * *

"Why do I feel like I'm going to see you on the news or at some party and you're going to be the wild child at the event?"

Maya looked at Talia through her lidded eye sight.

"You have big dreams for me, I swear." She responded, drunkenly as she stumbled down the sidewalk with her, Harry and their new friend (or "bestie" in Maya's case, making her wonder then what the hell happened to her _actual _"besties"), Kristin. Maya pulled out her phone, and then watched as Harry did some sort of dance, and pressed record on her phone, all of them doing crazy things. She then posted it on her profile and smiled, putting her phone away.

"Girl, you _are _a wild child." Kristin informed her a moment later, blowing her a kiss.

"Shut up, bitch!" Maya laughed, she spun around in her spot, feeling dizzy. "Where are we going anyways?"

"Oh, you'll see." Talia smirked and they soon stopped walking, only to find themselves at school.

Maya burst out laughing. "Why the fuck are we here?"

"You need to say goodbye." Talia told her, as they walked closer to the greenhouse, something Maya started to feel more and more wary about the further they walked. "And this is how you're going to do it." She turned to look at her. "You _did _say you wanted to scream if I remember correctly, so go ahead. _Scream_."

Maya looked at her and Talia just looked back at her. "I haven't been in there in weeks, why would you make me go back in there?"

"You need closure." Talia shrugged. "This is the only way to do it."

"No it's not." Maya answered, backing away. "It's not even fucking close."

"So then how are you going to do it?" Harry asked her.

Maya looked at him and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, but I do know it's not this way. Excuse me, but I have to go." And without another word, she took off down the street and to a very familiar house. She knocked rapidly on the door until it opened, and a very familiar boy opened it.

"Maya, what are you doing here?" Those words just seemed too familiar to her and she fell against him. He immediately hugged her and took her inside. Luckily he didn't need words to understand what was going on and just held her all night until they were both fast asleep.

* * *

There was a knock on the door. She looked up from her spot on the couch to see Zig walk over to the door. He opened it to reveal Katie and two people she didn't recognize.

"Maya…" Katie stepped inside, "Uhm… this is Lisa and Justin… _Saunders_." Maya's eyes snapped up to hers, "They want to talk to you."

She emotionlessly nodded her head. They stepped further inside the room, taking the other seats beside her and across from her.

Zig sat down next to her, taking her hand for support. Maya squeezed it back.

"I know this is very out of the blue but—"

"How did you know I was here?" She interrupted.

"I sort of told Katie where you were." She looked surprised. "We're really worried about you, Maya."

"I understand that you're going through a tough time," Lisa began, "And I'm sorry you had to go through this, especially at your age."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Maya demanded, letting go of Zig she stood up. "How is telling me you're sorry going to fix anything? No disrespect, but your son fucked up my life."

"Funny you say that," Her eyes snapped to Justin. "All that kid talked about was how wonderful you were and how _in love _he was with you."

"Sorry if I don't believe that anymore." Maya rudely snapped.

"Maya, shut up!" Katie yelled at her.

"Make me!" Maya yelled back.

"You're really starting to not only freak out your sister and your friend here, but us as well." Lisa said. "I spoke with your parents—"

"They're not my parents!" Maya exploded. "Katie's not even my sister. I'm adopted!"

"Yet they raise you like they're own." Katie yelled at her, "They took you in when you had nowhere else to go except a damn orphanage. At least be grateful!"

Maya just stared at her, and she continued.

"As I said before, you hooking up with someone you don't know, and hanging out with people you don't know, is scary. Okay? _You can't replace Cam_!"

"_Why not!?_" Maya yelled and Katie took a hard, good look at her. She knew she had hit home with that last statement. Maya's cheeks were pink, her eyes a darkened blue. She knew then that she'd _finally _gotten to her. "_He broke up with me by killing himself! I hate him_!" She yelled louder, "_I hate him so much! I feel like I'm never going to be happy again_!" She put her hands in her hair, and started to pull on it, "_And everyday it just gets worse and worse.. I can't miss him anymore! I can't! I don't want to_!" And then she stopped yelling, her eyes locking with Katie's. Her lower lip started to tremble, and tears started to form in her eyes, one even rolling down her cheek. "_He never even said goodbye_." Her voice was raspy, and then Katie knew she was about to break down. She immediately pushed her way through Lisa and Justin and immediately wrapped her arms around her, holding her close as Maya cried against her. They both fell to the ground and Maya's sobbing grew stronger, harder and louder, to the point where she felt she could hardly breathe.

And Katie held her. She didn't let her go, not for the next few hours.

* * *

"Are you ready for this?" Katie asked, and Maya nodded, walking up to the front door with her, holding hands. Maya had a talk with Cam's family after her breakdown and apologized for everything she said and did. His mother assured her that it was alright, but she shook her head, telling her it really wasn't.

She then gave her a gift, and Maya opened it to reveal a charm and a note, that Justin had found in Cam's room while he'd been there over spring break. It was a love letter telling her he loved her and that the charm was lucky. It was supposed to have her believe he'd always be there for her, even if he wasn't physically there anymore.

Katie opened the door, and Maya stepped inside.

"Katie? Maya?"

Maya looked up to see the woman standing there, the same woman who had raised her and made her the person she was that day.

"Mom?" She said quietly, and immediately she hugged her. Maya started to cry against her chest, "I'm so sorry for all the things I said. I know I'm not technically apart of this family, but you and Katie made me feel like I belonged. I'm so sorry, mom. Okay? I'm so fucking sorry. I want to come home." She moved her head to look at her, "For good this time."

_Her _mother hugged her close and assured her that it was okay. Everything would be okay now and she still loved her regardless and that she was of course, welcomed back home.

And as Maya hugged her, she realized that now everyone had seen her break down, and she'd shown just how much Cam's suicide had affected her as he had been her first love and _always _would be. Even if he was gone, that would never, _ever _change.

* * *

"_I'm messed up. I tried hard not to be for as long as I could, but eventually everything exploded_." Maya read to Zig, explaining that it was a letter. He told her it was great, but didn't ask who it was for, knowing Maya didn't really want to explain to him what it meant to her.

"I'm sorry, Zig. For treating you like crap." She whispered, and Zig gave her a soft smile.

"It's okay."

She shook her head, "It isn't. But thank you for being there for me the other night. I guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was."

"No, you are. Everyone needs a good cry now and then, Maya. Trust me." He smiled, his hand moved over to hers and she put hers on top of his. They linked their fingers, and then heard someone clearing their throat. They both looked up to see Tori and Tristan.

"I'm so sorry guys." Maya told them, "I—I just wanted to—honestly I don't know what I was trying to do. I just know I treated you all like crap and I'm so sorry."

Tori nodded and sat down next to her. Maya leaned her head on her shoulder. "I know it's hard for you, Maya. But we're here if you need us."

"Yeah… we'll always be your shoulder to cry on." Tristan said, as he sat down in front of her, he put his hand on her knee. "Don't let it get to you again like that okay? Come talk to us first, and if you cry… fine. We're all best friends, we're supposed to see each other cry."

Maya smiled. "Thanks you guys. I'm so lucky to have you." She looked up at the sky. "I just wondered why Cam didn't feel the same way."

"No one will never why…" Tori said, "But we will know for you."

"I suppose that's good enough for me…" Maya teased and everyone laughed. "But seriously, thanks you guys."

"No problem…" Tori whispered, "slut."

Maya grinned, "Bitch."

"I will never understand you two." Tristan commented and Zig nodded in agreement.

"I wont either. But I'm glad to have the _real _Maya back."

Tori and Tristan nodded in agreement, as the three of them began to stand up. They started to walk away, but Maya called out to them. They turned to face her.

"Guys? I'm glad to have me back too."

And then she smiled, a first, _real _genuine smile since Cam's suicide and that made the group _very _happy.

"Glad to have you back." Tori told her.

"I'm glad to be back." And then with one last smile, they left, leaving Maya alone again. She leaned against the wall of the school, and smiled to herself, she looked up at the sky and felt a gentle breeze. She knew it was Cam's way of talking to her, so she just rolled her eyes.

"Miss you too, Cheesy."

The bell rang then, and she got up, putting all her stuff in her backpack, she walked down to the school and into class, the past few weeks behind her as she came to the realization that though things were still fucked up, she was going to be okay.

* * *

**Also note: Italics during present day means that it's a line from the show. I own nothing, and therefore can't take any credit for anything but the somewhat plot of this. **


End file.
